We interrupt this program…
Hi everyone….Matt here. One of Lee’s Facebook friends asked whether I had any tips for mom’s raising teen boys. Although I’ve never been a mom, I have raised teen boys. With that obvious shortcoming, I humbly offer the following 5 ideas:
- Be aware of the dynamic going on. Your son is changing from dependence to leadership. He is learning to lead a family both by watching his dad, but also by “practicing” on his mom. This can lead to some very awkward situations for both.
- Demand respect, but not agreement (and sometimes not even obedience). Let dad deal with respect issues, man-to-man.
- Major in the majors. You’re son may view every conflict/disagreement as a fight to the death. You shouldn’t. Resign yourself to losing a few such “battles.”
- Reframe your attitude. Instead of “power struggle”, practice “power judo”, i.e., redirect inappropriate expressions into concrete actions where teen boy can take and feel ownership. For example, Teen resists Math assignment -> Potential Power Struggle -> Mom performs “power-judo” move No. 17: “Yes. So, when would you like to finish that assignment?” -> Teen takes ownership and completes assignment on his own schedule…(at least in theory).
- Take them for a walk. No agenda, just walk quietly beside them. Something magical can happen when you walk side-by-side with your son. Once they recognize you are not going to nag them, they may eventually break the silence. Otherwise, just enjoy the scenery and practice your deep breathing.
Nothing earth-shaking, just some inside tips from someone who was once a teen boy himself.
Blessings,
Matt
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Crystal Posey says:
So glad to see #1 up there. That has just begun in our household with our sixteen year old. Thanks for the posts; words of wisdom.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Julie says:
Okay, Matt, regarding power struggles. How do you deal with a buttinski? A teen son who has to be in the middle of every discussion?
Advice appreciated
October 19th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Evelyn Saenz says:
I wish I could have read these hints before my son turned 13 but then maybe I wouldn’t have believed the changes he would go through. Now at 17 I see him as the budding leader you describe, but those early teen years took me totally by surprise. My children always amaze me. Thank you for giving me a little more insight into their developmental phases.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Craig says:
#1 and #3 are interesting. The thought of him practicing to be a leader on his mom is something i have never heard. Can yo offer any examples? What does this look like? How will I recognize it?
#3..Picking Battles has been my biggest problem over the last few years with my 14 year old. I get into this mindset that i have to be right all the time. I think that i am afraid that if I let him be right,then he will not respect me. What do you think?
I am almost to the end of my rope. I don’t know how much longer I can live in constant conflict with him.
November 16th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Lee says:
Have you seen my husband’s video on Raising Boys vs. Raising Men? Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myWK95oA2TU
Blessings,
Lee
November 16th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Jenny says:
So what if their response to the example in #4 is to simply NOT do the work? and they have no reaction to the consequence?
October 12th, 2011 at 9:22 pm