My husband was looking through his old homeschool file and found a poem he had written long time ago. Guess which child this was about?
The Boy Who Had No Need of Ears
I know a boy of eleven years
Who has no need of his two ears.
He speaks all morning, noon and night,
When he plays and when he fights,
And when he speaks all stop to hear
This wise old boy of eleven years.
But never once during his day
Will he stop from work or play
To simply listen to the song
(He can’t, of course, with both ears gone)
Or the yellow chickadee,
Or of his brother, or mom or me.
So we who did his christening,
Now do all the listening.
I wonder one day if he’ll pause
Just to rest his tired jaws.
And rediscover his two ears
Can serve a purpose, it appears.
For if he does, he will rejoice
That he can hear his lovely voice!
by Matthew E. Binz
Who do you suppose? The quiet engineering son, or the political science major? That’s right. The talker, Alex. I’m mentioning this just to illustrate one important fact.
They grow up.
My son Alex is now a Certified Rhetorician, with lovely wall certificate and everything. In case you’re wondering, a Certified Rhetorician means he has been certified as a talker. Like James Bond has a license to kill, my grown son has a license to talk. Just like he has always been a talker.
I’ve recently been connecting with friends on LinkedIn. I invite you to send me an invitation if you want to connect with my business.
My dog is the sweetest, most obedient dog. When I sent him to the pen today, he obediently did his business. When he came back to the door, I sent him out again, so he could do “the other business.” That job completed, he obediently returned to the door waiting patiently to come inside. At which point he dropped another large load on the deck.
Really? Again? Why me?
Children are like that too. You can have sweet compliant children. You can be a parent who seems to do everything right. Children can still make a mess. And then you have to clean it up.
Not my normal inspirational Saturday blog post, but real nonetheless.
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As children get older, you begin to realize that you have less and less control over their behavior. It’s not until you reach the teen years that you truly understand why all the child training you did in the early years was so important. Sometimes it seems like you can’t tell them anything when they are older teens, and the only messages they hear from you are the ones you said a decade earlier!
As children get older, then, you begin to worry about shame. Will my children do something so stupid that I will end up being embarrassed? To be honest, this is true for all parents, not just homeschoolers. I was reading Psalms when I began to notice the psalmist had the same concern.
Psalm 25:1- 2
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me
be put to shame
Psalm 31:1
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame
Psalm 71:1
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame
Psalm 119:31
I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD; do not let me be put to shame
It’s a normal prayer. “Oh, please, Lord, don’t let me be ashamed that we homeschool!” It’s normal for that prayer to become more urgent as they get older.
I remember when I was pregnant. Other women would share details about what a perfect childbirth experience was like. Not all of them had ever given birth, but they seemed to be certain they knew what is “should” be like. But women who had already given birth had a different perspective. They knew that all pregnancies vary, childbirth experiences vary, that each birth is completely unique, and there is no “should” in childbirth. When you give birth, no amount of prior planning can ensure a certain kind of birth experience. Unexpected things happen in childbirth. It’s like that with older teenagers. No amount of perfect planning can ensure a specific result.
As children get older, they may make choices that you would not choose for yourself. Younger parents may not understand, and they may question your parenting or judgment. Take heart. Older parents truly understand. They know what it is like to watch an adult child make decisions on their own. They know just what you are going through.
Reading farther in my Bible, I noticed that the Lord provides a promise.
Isaiah 50:7 Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.
We will not be ashamed. Not because we are perfect, and not because our children are perfect. Thank goodness! Because I know for a fact that parents and children are NOT perfect, not matter how wonderful their homeschool experience! Perfection is not the answer to living shame-free. We will not be ashamed ONLY because we have the Lord’s help.
Letting go is hard work. Watching your children leave for college brings all sorts of emotions to the surface. That’s when you truly do the hard work of separating. Separating is horrible, and the work is hard, but it really pays off!
I’m reading all my home educating friends talking about starting their new academic year and I’m thinking…I am so not ready to not be a home educator any more. I wonder what my cat wants to learn this year? Another strange week ahead, of trying to adjust to our new lives and routines. I’m also meeting with someone who wants to know more about home educating her daughter today and we have a Life-Songs meeting tonight. You know all those ‘life events’ that cause people huge stress, like bereavement, divorce, moving house, having a baby? I’d say finishing long-term home-schooling, and transitioning out of that… era, can be almost as dramatic and stressful a change for a family. Not in the top 3, but definitely up there.
~ Dorothy
It’s a hard stage. Some stages of parenting are just more difficult than others. Sending children off into the world is difficult. It’s not merely difficult for homeschoolers, however. It’s difficult for every parent. There are many articles in the media about parents having difficulty saying goodbye to their children. Don’t worry that this is unique to homeschooling, because it isn’t.
The process of saying goodbye take a long time – roughly four years. Once the goodbye’s have all been said, what is next? I have watched my children leave home, done the difficult work of letting go. Now I’m left with just joy. When Kevin got married, I was completely prepared. All my goodbyes had already been said. I didn’t shed a tear. I was just happy and joyful.
In a way, it’s a good that you can go through this NOW.
Sort of.
In a way.
I know that doesn’t really help! It is VERY stressful. It does really hurt. Eventually, you’ll just be left with joy.
I’ve recently been connecting with friends on LinkedIn. I invite you to send me an invitation if you want to connect with my business.
While I was on vacation in Alaska I missed two weeks of church. We had a wonderful time, but when I got home my troubles seemed to be bigger and more overwhelming than before. Our first day back at church, and the first worship song we heard, and I figured out the reason! We were singing “Oh Happy Day!” and these words:
Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I’ll never be the same
Forever I am changed
(Verse 2)
When I stand, in that place
Free at last, meeting face to face
I am Yours Jesus You are mine
Endless joy, perfect peace
Earthly pain finally will cease
Celebrate Jesus is alive
He’s alive
That’s when I remembered that EVERYONE will have troubles in life, but we experience true joy because of Christ, not because we lead a trouble-free life. You can listen to the song on this YouTube, but I have to tell you it sounds much sweeter when my new daughter-in-law is singing it (she sings like an angel!)
If you are having a bad time right now, I have had a bad time too. All other homeschoolers experience hard times off and on. You are NOT alone. But focusing on our troubles can rob our joy. True joy comes from Christ, regardless of how much our children vex us, or how difficult our situation.
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Homeschoolers are resilient – even in the midst of extreme difficulty. Everything is not always peaches and cream, and sometimes trauma happens. Sometimes LOTS of trauma. If you are having an extremely difficult time, with situations far beyond control, please read this mother’s story and be encouraged. She has wonderful 20/20 hindsight about what works when dealing with family trauma.
Hi Lee,
You helped me out a couple of years ago, and assisted me with a high school transcript for my son Landon. I was just beginning to deal with some brain tumors and several surgeries and so appreciated your help. Things are still not as easy for me as they used to be and I did very little homeschooling with my then 13 year old Austyn that 2008-2009 school year.
We really have had our share of trauma these past almost 6 years. In October 2004 our 19 year old son Brad died in a tragic accident. The grief made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on teaching Landon and Austyn or for them to concentrate on learning. It was nearly a year of just spending time together and not putting any pressure on them to accomplish much in the way of school work.
I really do not see that this set them back in any way.
I can not imagine them having to have been in a public school setting during such a traumatic time in their/our lives.
Homeschooling gives us the flexibility to just stop and take a break and resume when the time is right.
I thought I would give you an update on Landon. In June he graduated with honors from Eastern with a degree in business administration and economics. He did get two scholarships of $2000. We didn’t really have the time and energy to pursue more, these past 2 1/2 years have been filled with doctors, hospitals, surgeries etc. Landon now 21 lives in Spokane and in January of this year started a business called Community Restorations, he buys and restores foreclosed homes. He bought a home for himself too, remodeled it and moved in the month of December. Landon is our 5th child homeschooled and another success story. One to go! Actually our final child, Austyn, now 15 took the compass test and passed. In a year he will begin dual enrollment. He is interested in taking a computer class there so he will probably do that this September.
I enjoy getting your email news letters, thank you and thanks for your help back in 2008 when I really needed it.
My husband recently produced a promotional video for The HomeScholar. I would love it if you would share this with your friends and your homeschool groups that might need some encouragement to continue homeschooling through high school. Also, please take a moment and leave a comment to let him know what you think.
20/20 Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Wouldn’t it be nice to know exactly how everything should go, and see how it will all end?
When you see your current challenges, it’s difficult to know why you are going through certain struggles. The same thing happened to the disciples at the triumphal entry. They knew Jesus would die, and they knew the crowd was acting like Jesus was a King. They couldn’t understand how these two different things could fit into God’s long-term plans.
John 12:12-19
The Triumphal Entry
The next day the great crowd that had come for the Feast heard that Jesus
was on his way to Jerusalem. They took palm branches and went out to meet
him, shouting,
“Hosanna!”
“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”
“Blessed is the King of Israel!” 14Jesus found a young donkey and sat
upon it, as it is written,
“Do not be afraid, O Daughter of Zion;
see, your king is coming,
seated on a donkey’s colt.”
At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that they had done these things to him.
I would love to tell you exactly why we struggle with our teens, and why calculus is so difficult to teach, and why teenagers can be hard to deal with. I would love to explain why your specific situation is the exact thing needed to create a mature adult with character in the long run. Unfortunately, we don’t understand. We will be able to look back afterwards, though, and say, “Ah ha! So THAT is why it happened!” But for now, it’s hard to figure out.
Parents have to deal with disappointments. A child doesn’t get into the program, isn’t elected as an officer, performs poorly in front of others, or doesn’t get admitted into the “for sure” college. We may not understand why these things happen. However, one day, when our children are grown and older, we’ll be able to look back and see purpose in our disappointments – and the successes.
20/20 Hindsight may be lovely, but if we knew what was happening, would we still learn? Perhaps our ignorance of the big “why” questions is part of the reason we can learn. Faith abounds when you don’t know the “why” of life. Faith also reminds us that one day we will know the answers, and see the positive results of our struggles from today.
Not every child is a genius, or socially adept, or physically strong. When you see the failings in your own teenager, it can be tempting to think you must have caused it to happen. Even when you KNOW that your child has a physical condition causing learning challenges or social stumbling blocks, there may sometimes still be moments of doubt. “Sure my child was born that way, but maybe if I had just…..” It’s easy to place blame with parents, even when the parent is you.
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:1-3
Learning challenges are called “challenges” for a reason – they are difficult! However, from my vantage point I can see how these challenges can point to the Glory of God. When a child with difficulties succeed beyond their wildest dreams, parents immediately recognize it as a miracle. Consider this news story:
Grad who personifies perseverance Despite being told he’d likely never walk or talk, Alex Leavitt will graduate with a degree in history from the University of Puget Sound on Sunday.Seattle Times
How must that parent have felt for all those years? It certainly couldn’t have been easy, and I’m sure they often wondered if they were doing things right. I have pointed out this story before, and how he has private tutors and used school-provided note takers, much the same way homeschool parents work. It wasn’t the school that made the success. It was to demonstrate the work of God.
I have talked with many friends and clients that have children who struggle; Dyslexia, Aspergers, and more. Now I’m old enough to see these same parents on the other side – their children are beginning to graduate from college. One child couldn’t read at 12, or spell at 17. It was tempting for the mother to ask “Is it my sin, Lord?” These parents didn’t give up, but kept working through the disappointments, difficulties, and doubts. Now this same child is preparing to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration. The parents are pointing to the Lord. The work of God has been displayed in his life. It wasn’t the sins of the parents that prevented him from reading or spelling. It was so years later, they could all feel closer to God, and see him as a personal Lord who loves them and cares for them.
Matt here. I wanted to send a quick message out to some of the homeschool fathers I met over the weekend at the Washington Homeschool Convention. I love seeing men taking a leadership role in educating their children and this weekend I got to meet a lot of you.
The dad who wanted to make sure his daughter got thoroughly trained in sound economic principles so she could understand what was happening in the world and be able to instruct her children wisely.
The dad who had no money to buy curriculum but was there with his wife asking as many questions as possible to learn strategies to homeschool on a very tight budget
The dad with one kid in a carrier, two in a stroller and one holding his hand following quietly behind while his wife shopped.
I also wanted to give a shout out to the fathers who weren’t at the convention, but rather, stayed at home to take care of the children while their wives shopped for homeschool curriculum and supplies. You are heroes in my eyes. I loved talking to Linda, whose husband was home with the kids and called for advice about tacos. Man, that was me just a few years ago.
Finally, I wanted to encourage the “almost dads” who were their and the amazing spirit of fatherhood they displayed.
The childless couple next to us who entertained a steady stream of mesmerized children with his suit of armor and tales of knighthood and chivalry.
The father-to-be who’s unwavering love for his wife has carried them both through two miscarriages. Bless you for your joy and faithfulness and heart for helping children.
The aunt to a single mom who was there supporting her niece’s curriculum choices and who had volunteered to shoulder the burden of homeschooling her child while she went out to earn a living.
Fatherhood is a beautiful thing and, like the facets of a diamond, all of you reflected a part of the whole. Thank you for making my “day before Fathers Day” one to remember.
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