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July 2011
By Lee Binz
The HomeScholar
 Leaving home
Homeschoolers seem to have one thing in common – they LOVE their children. They love having children, they love being around their children, and they love having their children live at home.
Of course, homeschool children are not always perfectly behaved, and life is not always blissful. I’ve BEEN a homeschool parent, so I KNOW that isn’t true!
But in general, we’re all pretty sad when it comes time to let the kids go. But like baby birds that fly the nest, when it’s time, it’s just time.
Parting with Pride
I know homeschoolers are a little different. Still, I was surprised by this article in The New York Times. And what an unfriendly title! Students, Welcome to College; Parents, Go Home http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/23/education/23college.html?_r=2&th&emc=th
“As the latest wave of superinvolved parents delivers its children to college, institutions are building into the day, normally one of high emotion, activities meant to punctuate and speed the separation. It is part of an increasingly complex process, in the age of Skype and twice-daily texts home, in which colleges are urging “Velcro parents” to back off so students can develop independence.” For example, “In order to separate doting parents from their freshman sons, Morehouse College in Atlanta has instituted a formal ‘Parting Ceremony.’” says the article.
Super-involved, Velcro parents? That does not describe me. I worked hard to teach my children independence. I remember taking my own  children to college. As a parent, saying goodbye was emotional. But mostly I just felt proud.
When Kevin was married recently, I really thought I would cry a lot. I came prepared with fancy hankies and packages of Kleenex, just to be safe. But you know what? I wasn’t sad! I was just HAPPY. All day long, even during the ceremony, I didn’t cry at all. My husband didn’t cry either (another surprise). Our overwhelming emotion was joy. After four years of dating and four years of college, we had already said our goodbyes, moved him away from home, and had complete confidence in his choice of a spouse.
All that was left was happiness.
Saying Goodbye
When you take your children to college, it’s just one step on the path to independence. Other steps follow. The first summer they live away from home. The first post-college apartment. The first holiday away from home. Saying goodbye at college is very important. It is just as important as the other goodbyes. Each step has its own emotions, ranging from tears to relief.
I did notice one thing, as I said my goodbyes at college. I had no regrets. I knew without a doubt they were academically prepared. I knew they were prepared for any assault on their worldview. I knew that I had shaped and molded their character and behaviors to the best of my ability. Their life was now up to them.
All parents have deep emotions when they are sending kids to college, not just homeschoolers. When you feel a tug on your heart, it’s not because you are a homeschool parent – it’s because you are a parent. Your heart may hurt, but homeschooling is a healing balm. Homeschooling high school can minimize your regrets once your children are raised. With the ability to shape and mold character while educating, your children will have the best possible chance of success. Letting go can come with no regrets!
Handle the Hand-Off
When setting your children off into the world, there are three words of advice.
 First; keep your five year plan in mind. In five years, you want to have a happy, healthy, close extended family. When conflict occurs during college, keep that five year plan in mind.
Second: step in only when kids are being life-threateningly stupid. They will make poor choices, but they can learn from them just like you and I do every day. The only time you need to step in is when they are being dangerously dumb. Believe me…it happens. Not often, but it happens.
Third: remember your Scripture. One of the most common homeschooling Bible verses will still be your greatest encouragement. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Homeschool parents are responsible for the first portion of the verse. The Bible instructs us to “Train up a child in the way he should go.” The Lord promises us a reward for our work, saying, “When he is old he will not depart from it.” When you send your children into the world, you are in the middle section of this verse. That’s the section that has only one thing to say – a comma. A dramatic pause.
There is a pause between training them up and the promise at the end. That part is the responsibility of our children. That’s the part where you are letting go. You let go of your responsibility, and look with great anticipation to the “When he is old.”
On a personal level, I hate that comma. I wish the promise was immediate and children who have been brought up in the “fear and admonition of the Lord” would never stray from the path. But you and I know that just isn’t true. Grown children make bad choices. Sometimes they make an absolutely confounding string of bad choices. At that point, however, you as parents need to remember one important fact… they are now adults. Adults get to make their own bad choices. Just like we did (remember?)
Face the Empty Nest
The children are gone, and the adjustment has begun. But what about you? The homeschool parent still at home? Toward the end of  homeschooling, you start to wonder about the next stage of life. What will you do when you aren’t homeschooling?
I can suggest what NOT to do. I saw a woman at the store who was talking about how bored she was with her life. She had attended four Weight Watchers meetings during the week, not because she was overweight, but because she was BORED! Although I’m a big fan of Weight Watchers, I wondered about that. Is that all there is to life?
The empty nest is not an end. It’s a change and a beginning. There are certain key things you can do to make this a gentle transition.
Give Yourself Away: Help other people. Volunteer or work at an endeavor that allows you to help people. Homeschoolers are helpers by nature. How can YOU support other homeschoolers? What can you do to make it easier for the next mother who is stressed out about homeschooling? Give yourself away in new ways, too! I began volunteering regularly at our local clothing bank. It’s a wonderful feeling to do something so concrete and physical that will help truly needy people. And there is nothing that can take your mind away from your own problems more than helping people with even BIGGER troubles!
Get What You Wish For: When I was homeschooling, so many times I had to say “No” to fun things. I had kids at home, I had to get dinner on the table, and there were 13 soccer practices to attend each week! When the kids are gone, now is your time to say “YES!” to the fun things you have put off! My husband and I started singing in our church choir. Evening practices aren’t a hassle at all when you don’t have to find a babysitter!
Make a List: While you are homeschooling high school, list all the things you wish you could do. Think back on the past few years. What would have been fun to do? Your turn is coming soon, so creating a “bucket list” makes sense. Make a list of things or volunteer positions that sound like fun. List homeschool organizations you would like to help. If you had plenty of time, how would you like to serve your community and your church? After years of serving your family, soon it will be your time to serve others.
 Exercise and Aesthetics: After graduation, you also have time to take care of yourself. Do you have a box of photos and no time for scrapbooking? Clutter around the house, with no time to organize? Think of all the great crafts you’ll have time for! And when you retire from homeschooling, you can take care of yourself and finally be able to exercise. Just think, you can take a walk AND stop to smell the roses!
Avoid Heartache: You hear about the empty nest feeling when your children go to college. It’s true – and it’s probably unavoidable. But you can lessen the affects by being active in your church and community. Give yourself away. Soon it will be your turn to volunteer, serve, and have fun! Your turn is coming, and you can make the best of it!
The Four Seasons of Homeschooling
Homeschool parents assume four primary roles throughout their children’s lives: that of caretaker, teacher, mentor and friend. The last season of homeschooling - which promises to last the longest - is the season of friendship. Finally, you and your kids are equals. You may find yourself learning as much or more from them as they do from you.
When the kids are grown and gone, take a deep breath and relax. You have a wonderful, life-long friendship to look forward to. The key to enjoying that friendship is up to you…. You need to stop homeschooling this child. Provide guidance and counsel when asked, but hold back on unsolicited advice. Enjoy their friendship. You deserve it.
Job well done!
(Just for fun, check this out: Homeschool Your Baby)
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Copyright Lee Binz, 2011 You have permission to reprint this article as long as you don't make any changes and include the bio below.
Lee Binz, The HomeScholar, specializes in helping parents homeschool high school. Get Lee's 5 part mini-course, "The 5 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make Homeschooling High School." You can find her at http://www.TheHomeScholar.com.
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